Last Feast For 2011 - Ashe's Boss Day 10

Good thing, I managed to attend the last Feast for 2011.  There would be no Feast on Christmas Day and New Year.  That's my big problem right now; where to attend mass on December 24 and 25?  Anyway, I was hoping that the mass would be a special one.  I was quite excited  for that.  That would be a Christmas Mass for the Feast attendees.  I was right.

Nostalgia of 2011 - Ashe's Boss Day 10

Starting today I will be blogging past events that happened to me this 2011, month per month, beginning January 2011.  It's because a lot has happened to my life this 2011.  I have learned a lot, met new friends, have a new job, taken challenges, found new mentors, etc.  Now, let me start.

January 2011

New year, new beginning, just as I thought.  I'm one of those few people who has full of hope and energized everytime New year comes.  I also had my own New Year's resolution.  Obviously, I failed to do that, to lose weight.  I'm not that fat but I still want to see myself thinner to fit  and to look good with dresses I want to wear.

I was still with my former company during this period.  I was still hoping that my Christmas wishes would be granted.  I was willing to receive it open arms even if God sent those to me late.  What was that?  To get promoted and to meet Ashe's boss.  The promotion was not just for the salary increase.  Many editors in our company were telling me that my salary was higher than theirs plus there was more pressure with their jobs.  That was true.  But more than the salary itself, I wanted to feel growth in the company I was working with for more than 2 years.  I won't say that money was not important, but  I need to grow.  I didn't want to remain stagnated.  But my superiors were blind with whatever "best I did with my job."  I prayed to God that I was willing to wait for it to happen, anyway, I had a reason to stay still with the company.  I didn't want to resign because Ashe's boss was still there.  He was still with the company.  I thought if I would resign, I won't be able to see him.  Some would think it was a very shallow reason.  But I guess, it was one way to hold on with my job.  Any unemployed Filipino living in the Philippines would understand why one has to endure to stay in the company they work with even though they're not happy at all because of the high unemployment rate in the Philippines.  It's not like if you resigned then applied to another company, you would get hired immediately.  I experienced that, so I didn't want to take the risk.  As most of Filipinos say, "At least you have a job.  At least you're earning."  It's a sad truth.  Some would take the risk only to find out that the new company who hired them is worse than their former company.  Isn't that ironic?

If I found happiness and enjoyment inside my workplace, it was because of Ashe's boss.  He made me stay in the company to keep the hope that sooner I'd finally get promoted. That's why I continued doing my job the best that I could.  I still continued to be a team player in spite all of the intrigues, the politics, and all in our account.  I became more professional.

Listen without prejudice - Ashe's Boss Day 9

I planned everything.  I'm organizing as I act towards what I desire.  I didn't plan to tell the whole world about this.  I want to feel all the blessings that I'm getting.  I want to enjoy it.  I know if I would just stick on my job, nothing would happen and so I started to visualize God's dreams for me. But I didn't realize that there would be a person who would discourage me.  Not just an ordinary person, but a person really close to me.

I'm a good listener.  I know when to comment and when just to listen to friend's stories.   That's why my friends love to tell their stories to me.  They know if they did something out of this world, I would just smile and won't condemn them.

This morning, I was depositing my payment for a seminar.  It's a 50% off seminar, and I want to take advantage on that.  I would only pay Php 250.  When this person asked me what was that for,  I was skeptical if I would tell him.  He won't understand anyway.  I knew he really won't.  But as I told you, he was really a very close person to me.  The line in the bank was tremendous.  Good thing, we knew an employee there and she helped us with the payment  (sorry for those who were lined up earlier than us).  When we're about to leave the bank, he asked again what was that for.  I finally told him the truth that it was a payment for a seminar because I'm planning to venture to this small business with a small capital.  He reacted violently with his loud voice.  Most likely, he was discouraging me.  It was painful.  The lack of support from them since I was young flashed back from mind then traveled down to my heart which felt like a stab.  I  stayed still.  I convinced myself I should understand him.  I still talked to him pretending I wasn't not affected by his reaction.  Waiting for the bus was so long, I wouldn't want to spend several more minutes beside him.  I just wanted to be out of his sight to let my tears fall, but I continued pretending I was okay.  The wait was so long and finally, a bus to Cubao arrived.  I went down the car and waved - gesturing that I would already ride the bus.  Inside the bus, I could still feel the pain.  I was praying to God that He took away that pain and that I won't get discouraged and still continue to act to materialize my vision.  God whispered to me that I should say yes this to Him this time.

I remember when I rejected Him when I was young.  I didn't continue my organ lesson to be the organ player in our chapel.  I was only a teenager that time.  I would rather play, watch TV, or just stay home.  I skipped the organ lessons until I found myself avoiding to hear Holy Mass in our chapel.  Instead, I would attend Holy Mass in the town proper church.  I didn't realize I was refusing Him.  Until I read this blog from Bro. Bo Sanchez http://bosanchez.ph/god-will-use-you-if-you-say-yes/.  I felt bad about this.  I didn't imagine that since young, even though I have that desire to serve Him, I said no to Him.  Now, with all passion, I know I'm slowly on my way back to where He wanted me to be many years ago.  He could have been used me all those years.  But now, I really know He wants me to serve.  I am now willing to say yes to my Creator.

I have a wish today, I hope I could draw Ashe's boss towards Him as well.  He's not prayerful-type of person but I know he's a member of chorale.  Somehow, if his chorale group is singing for a Holy Mass, he's still serving.  Somehow.  I don't know how.  Being with him, I could not find anyway.  After weeks of thinking how to act on this dream, I finally took the risk.  I wish he would find time to be bothered.  It's for him and for his family.

Wishes - Ashe's Boss Day 8

I wasn't not used to asking or wishing anything.  It was hard for me to generate my heart's desire to my mind then to my mouth.  I would feel it but I couldn't say it.  I think I was really shy and was scared to be rejected.  I grew up working hard by myself to attain what I want.  I was independent in that aspect.  It's totally different now.  I guess I've grown to know more about myself.  God led me to learning how to put what's inside my heart into words, including Ashe's boss (that's why he's included in my Novena.  Now, I know what to ask and would still act to make my wishes/my desires happen.  Just one thing I know I can't do anything about it, doing something to be with him.  All of my dreams as of this very moment; I'm doing something to make them happen.  It's totally different when it comes to him.  I wish I would know how.

This year, I have to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  This is the first Christmas I won't be spending with my family.  The thought of it makes me sad (really sad).  I've always loved Christmas (just like young kids excited with opening their gifts and receiving aguinaldo from their relatives, godfather, and godmother).  I only had simple Christmas celebrations with my family.  We would go to Christmas Eve Mass and watch the "Panunuluyan"  (a small role play about Joseph and Mary looking for a place for Jesus' birth through song).  After the Mass, we'd eat Noche Buena.  But I think it would still be different if I won't be spending this year's Christmas with my family.

Suddenly, a wish came in my mind.  I hope I could celebrate Christmas with him and his family instead.  They live in Makati, and it's not far from my place.  I just want to celebrate Christmas with people "I love" (wink).

What to write? - Ashe's Boss Day 8

Ashe's boss mother is sick.  I hope she'll get better.  I really am hoping for miracle to happen, that one day she'd be healed, one day she could walk again.  I saw her picture.  She seemed to be a good mom.  I know she's proud of her eldest son.  

New World - Ashe's Boss Day 7

Where could he be?
I'm wondering what he is doing
I hope he's wearing a smile
I hope he's always fine

Can't think of any post today.  I'm quite exhausted but I find this new world exciting and thrilling.  May the Lord help me settle in this path.

Bully Kid - Ashe's Boss Day 6

I was browsing the net in preparation for tomorrow's appointment with Miss Doris.  I was doing a research when I stumbled on this blog http://martinaquino.wordpress.com/2007/04/07/im-getting-a-story-published-in-kerygma-magazine.  I was intrigued because somewhere in my heart, I also want to be featured in Kerygma Magazine (hehe). Seriously.  But it depends how interesting and inspiring my life is or was.  While reading this article, I remember again a special someone (Ashe's Boss, of course).  Remember Maam Donna?  She used to tell me that he was being bullied when he was in high school (at Don Bosco Makati) by Sir Marco (supervisor of the MT-Georgia account in my former company and a friend of mine).  When I heard about this story, I confronted him (in a friendly, joking manner).  I asked him, "Sir, did you really bully him when you were in high school?"  He nodded while laughing.  I asked again, "What were you doing to him?"  He said, "nothing, I was a good boy."  I rolled my eyes and raised my eyebrow.  I knew Ashe's Boss used to be a commandant in his senior year.  He was a kind commandant from what I heard, very patient.  He was aloof back then and would just stay inside the library to read.  Isn't it quite strange that my high school  crush (my first crush) used to be in the library all the time and aloof to my boy classmates also? Am I meant to like this type of guys?  I guess I'm meant to be a geek stalker.  I used to go in our school library before just to take a glimpse of him while pretending to read books.  But later on, I found reading books really satisfying, thrilling, and full of learning.

I thought that the situation of bullying and being the bully victim was funny.  This is similar to movies where two people who knew each other when they were young separated and crossed  each other's path again.  How sweet?   As for Sir Marco, everytime he sees Ashe's Boss in the office, he would hide from him.  Haha!  Lesson learned, be kind to people you encounter everyday because you won't know, you might see that person again in another place and time.

Last night's dream - Ashe's Boss Day 5

Last Friday, toxicity got into my brains, so I failed to put an entry.  Yesterday was my day off.  Now,  I'm continuing this blog's existence.

Last night, I dreamt of Maam Donna (co-QA supervisor of Ashe's boss) and Ate Dory (his QA analyst) .   I didn't know where we were.  All I can remember was there were 2 nipa huts, like the ones we used in Subic during company's outing this year.  When I saw Maam Donna,  I hugged her and told her, "condolence, Maam Donna."  (I read in FB that Maam Donna's dad  passed away several weeks ago.  I felt sad about that.)   She stayed in the other nipa hut with her QA analysts.  Yes, they were also his QA analysts.  I felt  I started missing him.  It felt like that dream happened after his resignation.  I was sitting in the nipa hut with Ate Dory.  I talked to Ate Dory and told her that I missed her and Maam Donna.  I can't remember if I asked her about him.  Maybe, I was shy.  I didn't want to use my closeness with her to know his whereabouts, just as before.  That's far from his knowledge.   Why?  Until now, I'm still wondering why he deleted these 2 friends of ours in FB.  Is it possible that I'm the reason why?  He might be thinking they're trying to matchmake him with me.  At some point I know my fault, but it wasn't a henious crime.  I just wanted to lift him up during that dark moment of his life.  It was just a message.  I'm not a bad person after all.

Putting Clarity

I knew both Ate Dory and Maam Donna.  They knew that I liked him, but I already liked him long time ago before I admitted to them.  I became somehow close to Ate Dory when we rode the same bus to Laguna (we both go home to Laguna during our 2 days off).   She knew me by face before that.  My station that time was near to the QAs' station.  We chatted inside the bus.   We became friends in FB.  We would leave comments to each other's wall.  Until one time, I wrote something about Ashe's boss in my wall, something about my admiration to him, but I didn't mention his name, of course.  Ate Dory asked me who was this guy.  I emailed her and told her it was her supervisor.  She never said that to anyone, I knew that.  She was just with me as I enjoyed the feeling.

With Maam Donna, I knew her eversince I applied in the company.  She was the one who conducted my 2nd interview.  She was supposedly my supervisor if the account  didn't pull out.   She only texted me that I passed the assessment and just needed to wait for another account.  After months of waiting, I could start working.  I even looked for her during my orientation (the exact day when I first saw Ashe's boss and had a crush on him) only to find out that she wouldn't be my supervisor.  I was dissappointed, but I just wished that the new one would be nice and kind as well.  Obviously, my wish wasn't not granted.  Maam Donna knew the hell that me and my collegeaues experienced in "that another account."  I would always tell her that I didn't owe anything from "that supervisor" because she was the one who said "okay" to HR to hire me.  That's the truth!  Had I resigned before I became close to her, I would still go to her and thank her for everything.  She was the one who first knew I would resign.  I respect her a lot.  Aw, I miss Maam Donna!   I miss going to her station before going home, chatting with her, telling her my dissatisfactions, my dissappointments, my complains, etc. to my superiors.

The Clarification

Ashe's boss and I have quite a few common friends (close acquaintances, that's better to say).  But I didn't ask them to help me introduce to him.  Thank God I'm a shy-type person and I don't want to use people (especially my friends) for my own satisfaction.  Yeah, it was really painful just seeing him everyday from afar but I knew I could do nothing about it.  A former colleague bombarded me with tease to use my "connections."  He exasperately asked, "You're contented with that?" He was referring to my stealth glimpses to him.  Again, I didn't ask our common friends to introduce me to him.  I thought it was kinda weird and inappropriate on my part.  And the mere fact that many people thought he didn't deserve me.  That was the time when I was in deep state of paranoia because of the truly, madly, deeply in love feeling towards this guy.  My mind was in great overdrive while my heart was in cloud nine.  At this moment, thinking of those times, tears run to my face but I don't regret doing nothing.  You know why, because somehow, God allowed me to have close encounters with him.  Somehow, He allowed me to be with him in the elevator just for 10+ seconds - that's from ground floor to 5th floor or vice versa.  Those were the times you could catch me trembling during summer time.  Or worst thing that could happen, faint!

Back to my dream

I don't know why I dreamt of Maam Donna and Ate Dory.  I guess I miss them a lot or that thing really bothers me if something not so good happened.  I remember when I was having my clearance, I gave them gifts.  Gifts of gratitude, thanking them for always listening to my grievances and their advices.  After all, the last few months before I left the company, I didn't know who to trust; everyone was playing safe.  Only them together with the rest of the QA morning shift comforted me and cheered me up.  I will always be grateful to you, guys.

Good thing - Ashe's Boss Day 4

I miss him again.  Good thing, he changed his profile pic.  He's still semi-bald.  Longing to see him sooner.

He was my strength.  It was really hard at work but everytime I see him, all the heartaches would go away.  I always remember my closest encounter with you.  You were in front of me, so near to me.  And I wanted to hug you.  I thought I saw a glimpse of forever.

From Introvoys' hit song Will I Survive

I have this feeling inside me that I always try to hide
This feeling has never ended didn't ever subside

Novena to God's Love by Bo Sanchez -Ashe's Boss Day 3

Last November 13, 2011, I received a very special blessing from God.  It was the first time I attended Feast PICC (although the very first time I actually attended Feast was a Sunday before in Aliw Theater).  There, servants warmly welcomed me.  I was with Sis Delle and Sis Cylen.  We just met there.  They were also first time attendees.  After the Feast first session, Bro. Bo announced that there was a special treat waiting for the first time attendees outside.  When we went outside, there were servants carrying placards asking for first time attendees.  They led us to a brother (sorry, forgot his name).  Then, we sat on a circle of chairs.  Brother gave us a small piece of mamon-like bread for a snack.  He also distributed Kerygma Magazine November issue as well as Novena to God's Love.  He explained to us the purpose of novena. 
It was a mini booklet like this.    When you open the booklet, you will see there a prayer

Feast Declaration of Abundance - Novena to God's Love by Bo Sanchez

Today, I receive all of God’s love for me.
Today, I open myself to the unbounded, limitless, overflowing abundance of God’s universe.
Today, I open myself to Your blessings, healing, and miracles.
Today, I open myself to God’s Word so that I become more like Jesus every day.
Today, I proclaim that I’m God’s Beloved.
I’m God’s Servant,
I’m God’s Powerful Champion,

And because I am blessed,
I will bless the world,
In Jesus’ Name.

Amen

On the next page, there's a message/letter from God.  It was touching.  I felt that God was really talking to me while reading it.  The next page is about how to write your dreams, your heart's desire.  There are 7 pages to write on your dreams, so you can put there your heart's desire in all aspects of your life.  One great thing about this novena is it reminds us not to be selfish when dreaming.  It tells us to dream of being abundant not just financially but also spiritually and to have healthy relationship with our family as well as to share the blessings that we're receiving.  It took me almost 2 weeks before writing my dreams in the booklet.  I knew I needed to reflect and meditate so to align my dreams to His will.  I drafted my dreams a week ago and last night, I finally wrote my dreams in the booklet.  I prayed before writing my dreams there asking Him to let me change my mind if such dreams are not good for me.  After writing, I prayed the prayer at the last page thanking Him for fulfilling my dreams written there.  

Before sleeping, I read again my dreams.  I know that those are God's will for me and I thank Him for helping me dream of His will for me.  Someone special is included in my dreams.  They will all happen soon.  By that time, I'll be blessing a lot of people. 


Keep smiling!

Ashe's Boss (The Quick Brown Fox) Day2

These past few weeks, I would go out of our office to stroll in the mall.  As I walked, I kept on wishing that I would bump into someone, someone that my heart used to take good care of.  Just so today, again, I was just strolling, someone called me. I thought it was a colleague of mine who's taking his/her break also.  I was surprised when I saw a former colleague/friend, Ate Lorena (with her 2 cute boys).  I was so ecstatic for a moment.  I haven't seen her for years. I mature a lot, I know.  Briefly, I told her my whereabouts, what I've been doing and my shares of luck.  Then, I bid goodbye to her.  While walking back to the office, I started thinking, Ate Lorena and I knew each other for (I think)  only 4 months when she resigned from our former employer, and she actually remembered me.  Someone crossed my mind "again".  Sigh!  Will Ashe's boss remember me like that?  Will he recognize me when we bumped into each other also?  I wonder.  I don't know.  Well, we didn't know each other, but I know we used to meet each other's eyes when we were still in the same company.

Bothered by these questions, I'm posting this song by the  Introvoys from their Greatest Hits album  (just the chorus part)

Living my life thinking of you everyday
Hoping next time that we meet you'd stay
No matter how much I try
You still make me cry



I miss him so much. =(

For Ashe's Boss (Quick Brown Fox) Day 1

Day 1 to write about him.  Five months since the last time I saw him.  I want to talk about him but my friends will try to avoid it. I just want you to know how much you're truly missed (by me).  I will continue to dream of the day when I will finally meet you again.  I won't force you to change.  My only dream is a lifetime commitment with me.