Last night's dream - Ashe's Boss Day 5

Last Friday, toxicity got into my brains, so I failed to put an entry.  Yesterday was my day off.  Now,  I'm continuing this blog's existence.

Last night, I dreamt of Maam Donna (co-QA supervisor of Ashe's boss) and Ate Dory (his QA analyst) .   I didn't know where we were.  All I can remember was there were 2 nipa huts, like the ones we used in Subic during company's outing this year.  When I saw Maam Donna,  I hugged her and told her, "condolence, Maam Donna."  (I read in FB that Maam Donna's dad  passed away several weeks ago.  I felt sad about that.)   She stayed in the other nipa hut with her QA analysts.  Yes, they were also his QA analysts.  I felt  I started missing him.  It felt like that dream happened after his resignation.  I was sitting in the nipa hut with Ate Dory.  I talked to Ate Dory and told her that I missed her and Maam Donna.  I can't remember if I asked her about him.  Maybe, I was shy.  I didn't want to use my closeness with her to know his whereabouts, just as before.  That's far from his knowledge.   Why?  Until now, I'm still wondering why he deleted these 2 friends of ours in FB.  Is it possible that I'm the reason why?  He might be thinking they're trying to matchmake him with me.  At some point I know my fault, but it wasn't a henious crime.  I just wanted to lift him up during that dark moment of his life.  It was just a message.  I'm not a bad person after all.

Putting Clarity

I knew both Ate Dory and Maam Donna.  They knew that I liked him, but I already liked him long time ago before I admitted to them.  I became somehow close to Ate Dory when we rode the same bus to Laguna (we both go home to Laguna during our 2 days off).   She knew me by face before that.  My station that time was near to the QAs' station.  We chatted inside the bus.   We became friends in FB.  We would leave comments to each other's wall.  Until one time, I wrote something about Ashe's boss in my wall, something about my admiration to him, but I didn't mention his name, of course.  Ate Dory asked me who was this guy.  I emailed her and told her it was her supervisor.  She never said that to anyone, I knew that.  She was just with me as I enjoyed the feeling.

With Maam Donna, I knew her eversince I applied in the company.  She was the one who conducted my 2nd interview.  She was supposedly my supervisor if the account  didn't pull out.   She only texted me that I passed the assessment and just needed to wait for another account.  After months of waiting, I could start working.  I even looked for her during my orientation (the exact day when I first saw Ashe's boss and had a crush on him) only to find out that she wouldn't be my supervisor.  I was dissappointed, but I just wished that the new one would be nice and kind as well.  Obviously, my wish wasn't not granted.  Maam Donna knew the hell that me and my collegeaues experienced in "that another account."  I would always tell her that I didn't owe anything from "that supervisor" because she was the one who said "okay" to HR to hire me.  That's the truth!  Had I resigned before I became close to her, I would still go to her and thank her for everything.  She was the one who first knew I would resign.  I respect her a lot.  Aw, I miss Maam Donna!   I miss going to her station before going home, chatting with her, telling her my dissatisfactions, my dissappointments, my complains, etc. to my superiors.

The Clarification

Ashe's boss and I have quite a few common friends (close acquaintances, that's better to say).  But I didn't ask them to help me introduce to him.  Thank God I'm a shy-type person and I don't want to use people (especially my friends) for my own satisfaction.  Yeah, it was really painful just seeing him everyday from afar but I knew I could do nothing about it.  A former colleague bombarded me with tease to use my "connections."  He exasperately asked, "You're contented with that?" He was referring to my stealth glimpses to him.  Again, I didn't ask our common friends to introduce me to him.  I thought it was kinda weird and inappropriate on my part.  And the mere fact that many people thought he didn't deserve me.  That was the time when I was in deep state of paranoia because of the truly, madly, deeply in love feeling towards this guy.  My mind was in great overdrive while my heart was in cloud nine.  At this moment, thinking of those times, tears run to my face but I don't regret doing nothing.  You know why, because somehow, God allowed me to have close encounters with him.  Somehow, He allowed me to be with him in the elevator just for 10+ seconds - that's from ground floor to 5th floor or vice versa.  Those were the times you could catch me trembling during summer time.  Or worst thing that could happen, faint!

Back to my dream

I don't know why I dreamt of Maam Donna and Ate Dory.  I guess I miss them a lot or that thing really bothers me if something not so good happened.  I remember when I was having my clearance, I gave them gifts.  Gifts of gratitude, thanking them for always listening to my grievances and their advices.  After all, the last few months before I left the company, I didn't know who to trust; everyone was playing safe.  Only them together with the rest of the QA morning shift comforted me and cheered me up.  I will always be grateful to you, guys.