Listen without prejudice - Ashe's Boss Day 9

I planned everything.  I'm organizing as I act towards what I desire.  I didn't plan to tell the whole world about this.  I want to feel all the blessings that I'm getting.  I want to enjoy it.  I know if I would just stick on my job, nothing would happen and so I started to visualize God's dreams for me. But I didn't realize that there would be a person who would discourage me.  Not just an ordinary person, but a person really close to me.

I'm a good listener.  I know when to comment and when just to listen to friend's stories.   That's why my friends love to tell their stories to me.  They know if they did something out of this world, I would just smile and won't condemn them.

This morning, I was depositing my payment for a seminar.  It's a 50% off seminar, and I want to take advantage on that.  I would only pay Php 250.  When this person asked me what was that for,  I was skeptical if I would tell him.  He won't understand anyway.  I knew he really won't.  But as I told you, he was really a very close person to me.  The line in the bank was tremendous.  Good thing, we knew an employee there and she helped us with the payment  (sorry for those who were lined up earlier than us).  When we're about to leave the bank, he asked again what was that for.  I finally told him the truth that it was a payment for a seminar because I'm planning to venture to this small business with a small capital.  He reacted violently with his loud voice.  Most likely, he was discouraging me.  It was painful.  The lack of support from them since I was young flashed back from mind then traveled down to my heart which felt like a stab.  I  stayed still.  I convinced myself I should understand him.  I still talked to him pretending I wasn't not affected by his reaction.  Waiting for the bus was so long, I wouldn't want to spend several more minutes beside him.  I just wanted to be out of his sight to let my tears fall, but I continued pretending I was okay.  The wait was so long and finally, a bus to Cubao arrived.  I went down the car and waved - gesturing that I would already ride the bus.  Inside the bus, I could still feel the pain.  I was praying to God that He took away that pain and that I won't get discouraged and still continue to act to materialize my vision.  God whispered to me that I should say yes this to Him this time.

I remember when I rejected Him when I was young.  I didn't continue my organ lesson to be the organ player in our chapel.  I was only a teenager that time.  I would rather play, watch TV, or just stay home.  I skipped the organ lessons until I found myself avoiding to hear Holy Mass in our chapel.  Instead, I would attend Holy Mass in the town proper church.  I didn't realize I was refusing Him.  Until I read this blog from Bro. Bo Sanchez http://bosanchez.ph/god-will-use-you-if-you-say-yes/.  I felt bad about this.  I didn't imagine that since young, even though I have that desire to serve Him, I said no to Him.  Now, with all passion, I know I'm slowly on my way back to where He wanted me to be many years ago.  He could have been used me all those years.  But now, I really know He wants me to serve.  I am now willing to say yes to my Creator.

I have a wish today, I hope I could draw Ashe's boss towards Him as well.  He's not prayerful-type of person but I know he's a member of chorale.  Somehow, if his chorale group is singing for a Holy Mass, he's still serving.  Somehow.  I don't know how.  Being with him, I could not find anyway.  After weeks of thinking how to act on this dream, I finally took the risk.  I wish he would find time to be bothered.  It's for him and for his family.

Wishes - Ashe's Boss Day 8

I wasn't not used to asking or wishing anything.  It was hard for me to generate my heart's desire to my mind then to my mouth.  I would feel it but I couldn't say it.  I think I was really shy and was scared to be rejected.  I grew up working hard by myself to attain what I want.  I was independent in that aspect.  It's totally different now.  I guess I've grown to know more about myself.  God led me to learning how to put what's inside my heart into words, including Ashe's boss (that's why he's included in my Novena.  Now, I know what to ask and would still act to make my wishes/my desires happen.  Just one thing I know I can't do anything about it, doing something to be with him.  All of my dreams as of this very moment; I'm doing something to make them happen.  It's totally different when it comes to him.  I wish I would know how.

This year, I have to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  This is the first Christmas I won't be spending with my family.  The thought of it makes me sad (really sad).  I've always loved Christmas (just like young kids excited with opening their gifts and receiving aguinaldo from their relatives, godfather, and godmother).  I only had simple Christmas celebrations with my family.  We would go to Christmas Eve Mass and watch the "Panunuluyan"  (a small role play about Joseph and Mary looking for a place for Jesus' birth through song).  After the Mass, we'd eat Noche Buena.  But I think it would still be different if I won't be spending this year's Christmas with my family.

Suddenly, a wish came in my mind.  I hope I could celebrate Christmas with him and his family instead.  They live in Makati, and it's not far from my place.  I just want to celebrate Christmas with people "I love" (wink).

new

I deleted my blog entries.  Such a mess.

What to write? - Ashe's Boss Day 8

Ashe's boss mother is sick.  I hope she'll get better.  I really am hoping for miracle to happen, that one day she'd be healed, one day she could walk again.  I saw her picture.  She seemed to be a good mom.  I know she's proud of her eldest son.  

New World - Ashe's Boss Day 7

Where could he be?
I'm wondering what he is doing
I hope he's wearing a smile
I hope he's always fine

Can't think of any post today.  I'm quite exhausted but I find this new world exciting and thrilling.  May the Lord help me settle in this path.

Bully Kid - Ashe's Boss Day 6

I was browsing the net in preparation for tomorrow's appointment with Miss Doris.  I was doing a research when I stumbled on this blog http://martinaquino.wordpress.com/2007/04/07/im-getting-a-story-published-in-kerygma-magazine.  I was intrigued because somewhere in my heart, I also want to be featured in Kerygma Magazine (hehe). Seriously.  But it depends how interesting and inspiring my life is or was.  While reading this article, I remember again a special someone (Ashe's Boss, of course).  Remember Maam Donna?  She used to tell me that he was being bullied when he was in high school (at Don Bosco Makati) by Sir Marco (supervisor of the MT-Georgia account in my former company and a friend of mine).  When I heard about this story, I confronted him (in a friendly, joking manner).  I asked him, "Sir, did you really bully him when you were in high school?"  He nodded while laughing.  I asked again, "What were you doing to him?"  He said, "nothing, I was a good boy."  I rolled my eyes and raised my eyebrow.  I knew Ashe's Boss used to be a commandant in his senior year.  He was a kind commandant from what I heard, very patient.  He was aloof back then and would just stay inside the library to read.  Isn't it quite strange that my high school  crush (my first crush) used to be in the library all the time and aloof to my boy classmates also? Am I meant to like this type of guys?  I guess I'm meant to be a geek stalker.  I used to go in our school library before just to take a glimpse of him while pretending to read books.  But later on, I found reading books really satisfying, thrilling, and full of learning.

I thought that the situation of bullying and being the bully victim was funny.  This is similar to movies where two people who knew each other when they were young separated and crossed  each other's path again.  How sweet?   As for Sir Marco, everytime he sees Ashe's Boss in the office, he would hide from him.  Haha!  Lesson learned, be kind to people you encounter everyday because you won't know, you might see that person again in another place and time.

Last night's dream - Ashe's Boss Day 5

Last Friday, toxicity got into my brains, so I failed to put an entry.  Yesterday was my day off.  Now,  I'm continuing this blog's existence.

Last night, I dreamt of Maam Donna (co-QA supervisor of Ashe's boss) and Ate Dory (his QA analyst) .   I didn't know where we were.  All I can remember was there were 2 nipa huts, like the ones we used in Subic during company's outing this year.  When I saw Maam Donna,  I hugged her and told her, "condolence, Maam Donna."  (I read in FB that Maam Donna's dad  passed away several weeks ago.  I felt sad about that.)   She stayed in the other nipa hut with her QA analysts.  Yes, they were also his QA analysts.  I felt  I started missing him.  It felt like that dream happened after his resignation.  I was sitting in the nipa hut with Ate Dory.  I talked to Ate Dory and told her that I missed her and Maam Donna.  I can't remember if I asked her about him.  Maybe, I was shy.  I didn't want to use my closeness with her to know his whereabouts, just as before.  That's far from his knowledge.   Why?  Until now, I'm still wondering why he deleted these 2 friends of ours in FB.  Is it possible that I'm the reason why?  He might be thinking they're trying to matchmake him with me.  At some point I know my fault, but it wasn't a henious crime.  I just wanted to lift him up during that dark moment of his life.  It was just a message.  I'm not a bad person after all.

Putting Clarity

I knew both Ate Dory and Maam Donna.  They knew that I liked him, but I already liked him long time ago before I admitted to them.  I became somehow close to Ate Dory when we rode the same bus to Laguna (we both go home to Laguna during our 2 days off).   She knew me by face before that.  My station that time was near to the QAs' station.  We chatted inside the bus.   We became friends in FB.  We would leave comments to each other's wall.  Until one time, I wrote something about Ashe's boss in my wall, something about my admiration to him, but I didn't mention his name, of course.  Ate Dory asked me who was this guy.  I emailed her and told her it was her supervisor.  She never said that to anyone, I knew that.  She was just with me as I enjoyed the feeling.

With Maam Donna, I knew her eversince I applied in the company.  She was the one who conducted my 2nd interview.  She was supposedly my supervisor if the account  didn't pull out.   She only texted me that I passed the assessment and just needed to wait for another account.  After months of waiting, I could start working.  I even looked for her during my orientation (the exact day when I first saw Ashe's boss and had a crush on him) only to find out that she wouldn't be my supervisor.  I was dissappointed, but I just wished that the new one would be nice and kind as well.  Obviously, my wish wasn't not granted.  Maam Donna knew the hell that me and my collegeaues experienced in "that another account."  I would always tell her that I didn't owe anything from "that supervisor" because she was the one who said "okay" to HR to hire me.  That's the truth!  Had I resigned before I became close to her, I would still go to her and thank her for everything.  She was the one who first knew I would resign.  I respect her a lot.  Aw, I miss Maam Donna!   I miss going to her station before going home, chatting with her, telling her my dissatisfactions, my dissappointments, my complains, etc. to my superiors.

The Clarification

Ashe's boss and I have quite a few common friends (close acquaintances, that's better to say).  But I didn't ask them to help me introduce to him.  Thank God I'm a shy-type person and I don't want to use people (especially my friends) for my own satisfaction.  Yeah, it was really painful just seeing him everyday from afar but I knew I could do nothing about it.  A former colleague bombarded me with tease to use my "connections."  He exasperately asked, "You're contented with that?" He was referring to my stealth glimpses to him.  Again, I didn't ask our common friends to introduce me to him.  I thought it was kinda weird and inappropriate on my part.  And the mere fact that many people thought he didn't deserve me.  That was the time when I was in deep state of paranoia because of the truly, madly, deeply in love feeling towards this guy.  My mind was in great overdrive while my heart was in cloud nine.  At this moment, thinking of those times, tears run to my face but I don't regret doing nothing.  You know why, because somehow, God allowed me to have close encounters with him.  Somehow, He allowed me to be with him in the elevator just for 10+ seconds - that's from ground floor to 5th floor or vice versa.  Those were the times you could catch me trembling during summer time.  Or worst thing that could happen, faint!

Back to my dream

I don't know why I dreamt of Maam Donna and Ate Dory.  I guess I miss them a lot or that thing really bothers me if something not so good happened.  I remember when I was having my clearance, I gave them gifts.  Gifts of gratitude, thanking them for always listening to my grievances and their advices.  After all, the last few months before I left the company, I didn't know who to trust; everyone was playing safe.  Only them together with the rest of the QA morning shift comforted me and cheered me up.  I will always be grateful to you, guys.